Weasley Is My King

mylifeislikeadryblowjob

oxfordcommaforever:
“han-syolo-shot-first:
“ bubblegumsith:
“ cosmic-noir:
“ twowandsandadrink:
“ ashkinator:
“ politicalsexmaskitten:
“ hooraychelle:
“ yellowxperil:
“ srsly tho this is absolutely a thing that dudes do all the f***ing time
like...

mylifeislikeadryblowjob

jadelyn:
“ morganoconner:
“ swingsetindecember:
“ agentladyhawkeye:
“ septemberpoems:
“ repudiatinganticipation:
“ fourdroopydogs:
“ opisaterf:
“ tehbewilderness:
“ celtyradfem:
“ Run faster.
”
Walk like you have back up. That’s what it means for...

hogwartskidsproblems

lemonmintcoughdrops

id like everyone to take a moment to realize that lucius malfoy was literally the harry potter equivalent of a school board mom

allons-y-doctor-who

magicbeyondsorcery-blog

literarystarbucks

Beowulf

literarystarbucks

In honor of the Carleton College Beowulf-a-thon.

Beowulf goes up to the counter.
“Hear ye,” he cries, with fervent tongue,
I have come to vanquish this beast in your midst,
for I am the greatest warrior in this vicinity,
and I must prove to you my masculinity
lest you get any ideas about me being
unable to vanquish other beasts
should this ever come up again.”
The barista asks for his order.
“Give me whatever’s the manliest,” he shouts,
and hearing him the other customers fall silent.
“Can you please leave?” the manager calls out,
but Beowulf ignores him entirely.
“I am the strongest out of all of you.
I have several tattoos that I got
when I was studying abroad in Norway.
Want to see them?”
The barista says no, so Beowulf takes off his tunic.
“Do you see my glistening biceps?
Do you see them? I can take down any monster,
even if it’s the scariest one anyone’s ever seen.”
Hearing this, the barista opens the back door
and a small chihuahua runs into the shop.
Beowulf screams and sprints out the door and onto the street.
“Did you guys see how I avoided using violence just then,
when that enormous bloodhound was
threatening my life and the lives of others?
Really, when you think about it,
pacifism is the manliest thing of all.”

literarystarbucks

Wizarding World: 90s Kids

literarystarbucks

Hermione Granger goes up to the counter. “Is this coffee fair trade or were house elves involved in the making?” she asks. After being reassured that no house-elves ever touched the coffee beans, she orders an espresso. She takes it over to a corner table covered in books and papers, settling in for a long study session.

Luna Lovegood tries to order off of a non-existent “secret menu.”

Neville Longbottom meets up with Luna for their usual afternoon coffee date. They get chai tea lattes and sit by the window, chatting about exotic flora and fauna.

Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnegan arrive together. Seamus orders a Fizzing Whizbee latte, which promptly explodes all over him. Dean pays for a round of cappuccinos.

Ginny Weasley goes up to the counter with her broom slung over her shoulder. She orders her butterbeer latte to go; she’s late for practice. She stops to talk to Neville and Luna for a few minutes before leaving.

Crabbe and Goyle arrive to meet Draco there. They are unable to buy drinks for themselves, as counting out change confuses them. They have also arrived three hours earlier than Malfoy plans to arrive, because he prefers them to be there when he wants to meet with him. They bully a first-year into buying them each a scone.

Oliver Wood enters in a huff. He goes up to the counter and asks if the barista has seen any of the Gryffindor Quidditch team there, “because they’re SUPPOSED to be practicing.” Fred and George, who are hiding under a nearby table, know that this is no laughing matter, but struggle to contain their giggles, regardless.

Draco Malfoy runs his index finger across the bar and picks up a thin layer of dust. “Wait til my father hears about this,” he says. The baristas just roll their eyes.

Ernie Macmillan orders a triple shot espresso to go. He’s rushing back to the library to work; he finds Starbucks to be an unhelpful work environment.

Percy Weasley drinks coffee with a napkin in his lap. When he examines his drink more closely, he realizes the name on it has been transfigured to “Big Head Boy.” At this point the twins collapse laughing and are asked to leave the Starbucks.

Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil order tea and drink it slowly, then read each other their tea leaves. Their cups foretell imminent danger, but they’re unfazed. They are Gryffindors, after all.

Colin Creevey takes pictures of his order to put on his Instagram.

Just as evening begins, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley make their way into the Starbucks from the snow outside. They order three butterbeer lattes and join Hermione at her corner table. Harry has to leave early, and the other two join him in solidarity.

literarystarbucks

Wizarding World: Death Eaters

literarystarbucks

Voldemort has Peter Pettigrew order and carry his coffee for him. To this day people still believe Voldemort did it all himself.

Bellatrix Lestrange orders an unnecessarily complicated drink that cannot possibly taste good, not that it matters, because she leaves before the baristas finish it. She just likes to watch them suffer.

Rodolphus Lestrange orders three coffees for himself, his wife, and the Dark Lord. The latter two thank him for all of the drinks, take them, and make no room for them at their table. Rodolphus stands there awkwardly before shuffling off to sit with his brother.

Fenrir Greyback finds a hair in his coffee. He keeps drinking. This kind of thing happens all the time.

The Carrow twins make their students pick up their orders, then slowly pour the hot drinks on their heads.

Barty Crouch, Jr. orders himself a mocha latte but the baristas forget to write “Jr” on it. He flips over three tables and has to be physically removed from the Starbucks while Winky weeps in the corner, having tried to clean up the mess by herself.

Lucius Malfoy orders a white chocolate mocha for himself and a dozen herbal teas for his brood of peacocks waiting outside.

Narcissa Malfoy is asked by the Dark Lord to approach the counter and ask the barista if there’s any more red velvet mochas. Narcissa thinks Voldemort is sufficiently caffeinated already. Although the barista says yes, there are more, she returns to Voldemort and tells him they’re all out of the ingredients.

Karkaroff orders using the mobile app and never shows up to pick up his drink.

After a few espressos, Stan Shunpike starts to realize that he probably shouldn’t be running with this crowd.

literarystarbucks

Wizarding World: Fantastic People, Fantastic Beasts

literarystarbucks

Xenophilius’ barista is a boggart. When he orders, it asks: “and how do you spell that?”

The baristas keep brewing hot coffee for their most recent batch of customers, but by the time the dementors pick it up, it’s iced coffee.

The Giant Squid orders ten black coffees, then asks if there are any sizes bigger than the trenta.

Instead of installing a bell over the door, the baristas hang a portrait of Sir Cadogan. He convinces himself that each new customer is the first of an invading army.

Aragog brings his entire family to the Starbucks for lunch, but they’re not interested in coffee.

Hagrid orders two steaming hot coffees and sits at a table in the corner to drink them. They’re really hot. One is on fire. He’s smuggled a dragon under his coat. The baristas call security.

Newt Scamander orders a small nonfat latte, and takes it to go in a big hurry. He returns years later and orders three venti frappuccinos in different flavors. The entirety of the Starbucks watches the baristas concoct them, waiting with bated breath to see how they will turn out.

literarystarbucks

Wizarding World: Next Generation

literarystarbucks

Teddy Lupin and Victoire Weasley arrive for their coffee date. Teddy buys; he gets Victoire a cappuccino and himself a brightly colored mocha latte that changes colors every few minutes.

James Sirius Potter sneaks behind the counter and begins calling out drinks for people that don’t exist. The baristas apprehend him and threaten to call his father. He stops.

Rose Weasley and Scorpius Malfoy enter the Starbucks in the late afternoon, order a green tea frappuccino and a strawberries & creme frappuccino, respectively, and head to the back of the shop to study.

The Scamander twins attempt to order from the secret menu at their mother’s suggestion. The world-weary barista says, “Kids, there wasn’t a secret menu when your mother went to Hogwarts, and there’s not a secret menu now. There’s never been a secret menu.” Lysander produces a recent copy of The Quibbler that suggests otherwise.

Albus Potter sits with a group of students from myriad Houses by the window, talking and laughing and content to be amongst friends.

mylifeislikeadryblowjob inyourowntime

mixedy

my parents aren’t teaching me life lessons.

#i need some adults to TEACH ME SHIT ABOUT LIFE

flutterjedi

I’m an adult.

sunflower-b-pondicus

Some shit about life, from a bonafide adult:

even if you get along great with your family you will get along even better with them after moving out
generic is almost always just as good as name brand. But there are some things you never buy generic, including: peanut butter, ketchup, liquid NyQuil, Chips-Ahoy chewy chocolate chip cookies
just imagine the person on the other end of the phone hates talking on the phone as much as you do. Even a receptionist. I worked as one and I hate talking on the phone
at least once in your life you will go to Wal-mart to buy something under $20 like an ironing board or something and your debit card will get rejected. No one will judge. Everyone at some point in their lives has had $2.98 in their bank account.
thrift stores
everyone else is too busy panicking about everyone else noticing every tiny thing that could possibly be wrong about them to notice any tiny thing that could possibly be wrong about you
you will screw up. a lot. you live and you learn. and when you start to think too hard about that embarrassing thing that happened and how you wish you could change it, just tell yourself that what’s done is done. There’s no changing it, so just forget it and move on. It’s the only way to stay sane.
do the dishes before the sink grows its own ecosystem
you can’t put Dawn dishsoap in the dishwasher.
if you are the only one in the aisle at the grocery store, and you need to get from one end to the other without even looking at anything in that aisle, then you should totally cart-surf down the aisle. Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional. Hold on to the little things. They make all the difference.
never try to make cake from scratch at 3am. You end up with a topographical map of Middle Earth.
15% tip.
the best way to get money for food is to tell your grandparents about how you basically live on microwaved mac and cheese. Their horror may result in twenty bucks and orders to go out and get yourself “a real dinner”.
sometimes life sucks, and knowing that it might get better doesn’t always make it suck any less, but you’ll never get to the non-sucky days without enduring the suckiness.
no seriously, NEVER put Dawn in your dishwasher

caitatonic

Do not buy generic brand spaghetti sauce either.

Always check the type of light bulb that goes in lamps. A 60w is not interchangeable with a 40w.

Dollar store batteries work just as well as store brand.

shrineart

Reward yourself from time to time when you do things that you needed to get done. It’s a good way to remind yourself to do them. Going out to pay a bill? Get Starbucks or something you don’t get often. Rewards don’t have to be huge, they can be small things like that.
Rice, pasta, flour, sugar, cheese, eggs, milk, a pack of chicken, a pack of frozen veggies and a well stocked spice cabinet go a long way food-wise. Splurge and get the biggest container of rice you can. You don’t have to go back and buy it again anytime soon and it makes a TON of meals in the meantime.
Rice can be cooked on the stove. You don’t need a fancy rice cooker. Two parts water to every one part rice (two cups water for one cup of rice for example). Get your water boiling, add rice, put a plate or lid on it, put it on low for 20 minutes. It should be done.
Keep a calendar on your pc of bill due dates. If your bills are set up at inconvenient times, like all of the services started on the first or something, then call up the company and find out if you can get your billing date switched to something more manageable. A lot of places do try to work with you.
There is no shame in calling a company and asking for an extension on a bill. Let them know what you can pay, pay that amount, and they arrange when the rest of the payment is required. This can stop you from having services shut off man. It shows responsibility on your part.
Take time to eat, even when you don’t feel like eating. Your body needs energy to live.
Wash or rinse your dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. It prevents gross caked on junk.
“The Works” is an excellent cheap toilet cleaner.
MAGIC. FUCKING. ERASERS. THEY WORK ON EVERYTHING JUST DON’T SCRUB HARD. I took the ring out of our bathtub with one. Also generic ones work just as well.

Keep some bleach around but if you use it for cleaning? Dillute it. There’s rarely ever a case where you need to pout straight bleach on anything. A cap full or two in a bucket of water works just fine.
DO NOT MIX CLEANERS. Chemical reactions are can be very dangerous. Here’s a good list. (Note that vinegar and baking soda can actually be a good combo for removing smells from things but it’s not very good at actually -cleaning-.)
If you drink? Don’t take meds at the same time it’s just not good.
Make sure you check the dosages on your pill bottles. No one wants to accidentally overdose on cough syrup or ibuprofen.
If you have a uterus make sure you have a heating pad and ibuprofen on hand for the pain. Hot baths also generally help and Ginger Tea is excellent for any nausea.
Buy a first aid kit. It’s worth it in the long run.
You can often do your taxes online at places like TurboTax.
Here’s some good sex ed resources because I had to explain what a yeast infection was recently.
Petroleum jelly (aka Vaseline) is good for chapped lips and you can get a decent sized tube or tub of it (generic brand version) for cheaper/same price as Chapstick.
KEEP TRIPLE ANTIBIOTIC OINTMENT IN YOUR HOUSE FOR CUTS AND SCRAPES AND SORES.

~~Medications~~

Over the counter medications (stuff you can buy right off the shelf no prescription needed) have a name brand and a generic name. ALWAYS buy generic if it’s available it is literally the same thing and way cheaper usually.

Some names to remember when you’re looking for meds!

Acetaminophen = Tylenol

Used to treat pain and reduce fever. Do not take with Ibuprofen.

Ibuprofen = Advil, Midol, Motrin

Used for pain and fever, is an anti-inflammtory. Is good for period cramps because it is an NSAID (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug).

Naproxen = Aleve, Naprosyn

Treats fever, pain, arthritis pain, gout, period cramps, tendinitis, headache, backache, and toothache. Is also an NSAID.

Acetaminophen + Asprin + Caffeine = Excedrin

Usually marketed as “Migraine Relief” as a generic.

Asprin = Bayer

Use for pain, fever, arthritis, and inflammation. Makes you bleed easily so should not be used for periods. Might reduce risk of heart attacks.\

Triple Antibiotic Ointment = Neosporin

Used on cuts, sores, and scrapes to reduce risk of infection and promote healing.

Also a general mutli-vitamin isn’t a bad idea and if you don’t get a lot of fruits or milk/sunshine in your diet you might want to get vitamins C and D specifically for daily use.

kiokushitaka

if you do accidentally lapse and put dawn in your dishwasher, run it empty and put hair conditioner where the detergent goes. that’ll clean it out (tip given to me by dorm custodian when roommate did the thing).

if you live off ramen, add stuff to it! add veggies you like, don’t use the whole flavor packet to cut down on sodium and msg or don’t use it at all and add your own spices.

if you’re making something with potatoes in it (beans, stew) potatoes are done when you can easily stab a fork through them.

you can microwave a hotdog as long as you put it in a microwave safe container of water. microwaves work by making water molecules vibrate. also, when reheating rice leftovers, add a small amount of water, like maybe a spoonfull, so it doesn’t get hard and crunchy.

the rice cooking advice above is for long grain rice. if you’re making short or medium grain rice, a 1:1 ratio (one cup water for one cup rice) is better, so the rice doesn’t come out too mushy.

buy a few cans of chicken. wholesale club stores like sam’s, costco, or bj’s tend to carry multipacks for a good price. they’re incredibly useful for when you forget to defrost meat.

buy meat on sale and put it in the freezer. buy vegetables on sale, and put them in the freezer. frozen veggies are often as flavorful and good as fresh ones, keep longer, and often come in microwaveable bags or with microwave directions.

soak ink stains in milk to help get them out or at least lighten them.

soak blood stains in water as soon as possible, with a bit of detergent or stain remover. scrub at them. use cold water, heat binds proteins to fabric. tbh, there’s no real need to change the washer from cold-cold setting unless the thing you’re washing says to wash in warm water.

acetone, found in most nail polish removers, dissolves super glue.

cloningmycat

YOU’RE ALL DOING GOD’S WORK BLESS YOU

lifelovebookssex

Takes pictures, have prints made and put them in photo albums. Be IN the pictures, have someone take pictures of you and your friends. Get over not looking perfect in thw picture. Someday that friend might be gone and those pictures might be all you’ll have, you will want to be in them. I made that mistake with my best friend, i always felt weird asking for a picture together… he died of cancer January of 2014 and now i have no pictures of us together. Its my only regret in life.

boasamishipper

This is really helpful, thank you all!

iwadab-me

I’m the newest of new adults but I’m gonna throw these little tips in there. IF YOU HAVE AN OLD CAR:

-coolant or water if your car overheats (coolant is preferable cause it won’t hurt the engine in the long run but hey i know money is tight)

-flashlight in case you break down at night and need to check under the hood and your phone is dead

-SPARE TIRE.

-jumper cables.you will at some point leave your lights on. you just will.

AAA or any other road side service is never a bad investment i swear. (try to mooch it off your parents as long as you can though)

shipperqueen93

Know how to change a tire. You’re going to need to do it at some point in time and you can’t always rely on someone else to do it for you.

Don’t be afraid to go to your local food bank. They are there for a reason.

Don’t be ashamed to ask for help period. Life is hard, everyone needs help occasionally.

woodelf68

You can put a LOWER wattage bulb in a lamp that says it’s for a higher one, but don’t put a HIGHER wattage bulb in. Also, watts refer to the amount of electricity used. LUMENS refers to the amount of light put out, and can vary quite a bit between brands, even though the wattage is the same. Look for the one with the highest lumens unless you actually want a slightly dimmer bulb in a certain location.

Those dollar store batteries? Fine if they’re alkaline. “Heavy-duty” batteries, however, won’t last nearly as long.

You can microwave a hot dog and bun simply by wrapping them in a toweling for a minute, less if you don’t want them scalding hot.

blue-pixiedust

Reblogging to save lives.

faranae

Two adulting (kitchen-related) tips from me!

1. Buy a roll of parchment paper from the cooking shit aisle. A big roll will last you for-fucking-ever. Pretty much any time you’re using a baking pan you can line it with that stuff and save yourself A: food sticking to the pan and B: it’s a quick rinse and it’s clean.

2. Bread can get fucking expensive, so make your own. A bigass bag of flour and a bag of active dry yeast (store it in the friiiiidge!!!) works out a FUCK of a lot cheaper than buying bread at the store, and you can do so much more with it. Bread, pizza, rolls, cinnibuns, homemade pizza pockets. It seems intimidating but it’s stupid easy.

Seriously. It’s stupid simple to make, and most of the “3 hours” to make it is sitting around surfing the internet or doing whatever the fuck you want while the dough rises. If you have an afternoon free once a week to sit and play video games or surf the net, you have the time to make your own bread on the cheap. Here’s my simple-as-fuck recipe:

2 ¼ teaspoons active dry yeast (You can buy a bag of this stuff CHEAP in bulk stores, the little packets are hella stupid priced)
1 cup warm water (think a hot bath)
1 ½ teaspoons sugar
2 tablespoons oil (any kind works for the most part)
2 ¼ cups flour
1 teaspoon salt
1. Stir the yeast, water, sugar, and oil up in a bowl. Let it sit for about 10 minutes. It will foam up VERY high, this is the yeast getting happy! If it doesn’t get all foamy, the water may have been too hot or not hot enough. Remember, Yeast is alive! Treat it like a nice girlfriend!
2. Mix your flour, salt, and the yeast concoction up in a bowl.
3. Knead that shit for about 5 minutes. It will start sticky as heck, but will come together into a nice dough. If it’s still super sticky, toss in a bit more flour. Here’s how to knead it:

4. Put your dough in a covered, lightly oiled bowl and leave it someplace warmish for an hour. At that point it will have roughly doubled in size, give it a gentle punch to release the gasses that have built up inside. Cover it again and let it sit for a bit longer.

Boom. You have bread dough. Here are some baking times and uses for ya:

Optional egg-wash: Just crack an egg into a bowl, add a pinch of salt, and mix the bejeebus out of it with a fork. Brush (or if you’re like me, goop it on with said fork) that shit thinly on bread before baking for a nice crust.
Pizza: Stretch it on a pan, stab the fucker all over with a fork, add toppings, bake 425*F 15-20 minutes.
Bread Sticks: Make snake-shapes, let rest on pan 10-ish minutes, bake 400*F 10-20 minutes.
Dinner rolls: Make ball-sized (yes those balls) balls. Place on greased pan, let rest 10-20 minutes to rise. Egg-wash and bake 375*F 25 minutes.
Bread: Lightly score (cut) the top, let sit for 20-ish minutes on/in whatever you’re using to bake it, egg-wash, bake at 375*F for 20-ish minutes. It’s done when it sounds hollow if you knock on the bottom.
You bet your ass you can deep-fry this shit for cheapie yeast doughnuts. Roll that shit in sugar or dip it in whatever, it’s fucking tasty.
Bagels: YES. YOU. CAN. Form bagel-shapes out of the dough and boil them in salty water for about 2 minutes. Egg-wash them and bake them at 400*F for 10 minutes.
Cinnamon Rolls: Roll that shit out into a rectangle. Brush it with a mix of butter, cinnamon, sugar, and a pinch of salt (no exact amounts here, do it to your taste). Roll it up into a log, and cut it into discs. Let them sit 20 minutes in a pan and then bake at 375*F 15-17 minutes.

You can add whatever you want to the dough for some variety, just if it’s dried spices remember you really only need 1-ish tablespoons. I personally like making bread with about 1 tablespoon of dill in the dough. Roll it out flat, sprinkle it with cheddar, roll it into a log, squeeze the ends shut, and bake it like a regular loaf of bread. Cheesy dill bread OMNOMNOM.

*ahem* That got a bit long. But yeah. Bread’s expensive, yo. Save your wallet.

(Also it’s ridiculous amounts of therapeutic to bake, for me anyway)

tempestcaliban

Being able to bake your own bread is pretty awesome, if you got the time for it.

ref

Weasley Is My King

See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Beowulf

Wizarding World: 90s Kids

Wizarding World: Death Eaters

Wizarding World: Fantastic People, Fantastic Beasts

Wizarding World: Next Generation

Boom. You have bread dough. Here are some baking times and uses for ya: